A selection of poems for the new year

here are a few poems selected from whiskey words & a shovel III (r.h. sin) and the sun and her flowers (rupi kaur) I’d hope to share for the new year:

forgetting the past

your past:

I shouldn‘t be bothered

by the things that happened

before me, before us

and I know that your past

belongs only to you

but it’s your demons

that keep me awake at night

as i search for some sort

of emotional relief

under the moon in the darkness

rebuilt

the beauty in breaking

is that when you rebuild

you’ll be stronger than before

best days

the best days of your life

are hidden behind

the worst moments

you’ll eventually

survive through

truth in motion

ignore the excuses their actions are their truth

Journal entry

This morning feels different

there’s a slight silence in the air

but my troubles are still here

weighing me down

like a kettlebell sitting on my chest

I went to sleep last night

with this thought

that everything would be okay

once the sun had reached its peak

I should’ve known

that my pain would grow

fed by late nights of overthinking

and falling asleep after drinking

my soul at war with my heart

my heart at odds with my mind

they tell me each day is filled with hope

but every day, I feel hopeless

trying to piece together

all the parts of me

that have been broken

sometimes life is hell

and I simply survive the flames

sometimes I feel uncertain

most of the time, I feel afraid

the unknown lurks

in circles

then hides in the darkest corners

in every place that I inhabit

I want to leave

I want to stay

I want to give up

but maybe I should try

most of the time

I’m fighting against myself

I‘m fine

but that’s a lie

most of the time

we’re fighting

scratching and clawing

simply trying to survive

Best days

The best days of your life

are hidden behind

the worst moments

you’ll eventually

survive through

New bridges

bridges will be burned

but stronger ones will be built

upon their ashes

Great pain

the greatest pain

produces

the strongest hearts

This is the recipe of life

Said my mother

As she held me in her arms as I wept

Think of those flowers you plant

In the garden each year

They will teach you

That people too

Must wilt

Fall

Root

Rise

In order to bloom

What is stronger than the human heart

Which shatters over and over

And still lives

Like the rainbow

After the rain

Joy will reveal itself

After sorrow

Rebuilding

Life-aches

The plan was to get better

but there are demons

at every level

the moment you feel like

you’ve won

you then realise that the more you advance

the more you have to lose

and nothing ever gets easier

you just learn better ways

to navigate a life that seemingly

gets tougher

last year I had nothing

and the emptiness was expected

this year I have more

but the emptiness

continues to haunt me

life is a complex thing

that can’t be solved with things

and maybe I‘m beginning to realize

the unimportance of material items

maybe the toughness of it all

is making me stronger

Practicing self preservation

today then tomorrow.

choosing myself is the most obvious choice

and yet it has become the hardest thing

I’ve ever had to Do

going back and forth with my decision to leave

so hard on myself

based on that decision, my future unclear

Some suggestions

Read more books

drink more water

ignore more texts

say no more often

and put yourself first

The right now

At some point

in your life

you’re going to have to start

demanding what you deserve

and be willing to walk away

if what you require

can’t be provided

All for self

be good to yourself

you’re the only you

you’ll ever get

Midsummer retrospect

not everyone you claim

to be close to

is an actual friend

and this becomes more apparent

as progression finds you

those friends bcome leaves

slowly falling to the ground

as you achieve success

the more your life improves

the less likely

those friendships last

Building your own peace

In order to find peace

you must begin to say no

to anything or anyone

who doesn’t deserve a yes

and you must do this always

without apology

and with confidence

consilium VI

refuse to be someone’s hobby

you are not just something to do

Worth is not something we transfer

You must see no worth in yourself

If you find me worth less

After you've touched me

As if your hands on my body

Magnify you

And reduce me to nothing

self awareness / insight/ discovering myself

my own stranger:

broken mirrors

keepers of my reflection

shards of glass

on the bathroom floor

I don’t recognize

my own self

my own eyes

look like those of a stranger

as my confusion

stares back at me

trying to make sense of it all

I am a stranger to myself

found

in silence, we discover ourselves

beautiful savage

She was a beautiful savage

unapologetic but sweet

delicate but tough

brave enough

to walk through hell

in search of her own piece

of heaven

unafriad of the flames

determined to survive

through the things

meant to destroy her

she had the mental strength

of a warrior

as she continued to run wild

on those who attempted to cage

her ambition

she was whatever she wanted to be

she went wherever she wanted to go

in pursuit of freedom

in pursuit of love

in pursuit of herself

self talk

some of the most honest conversations

ive ever had

were in a room

occupied by just me and my own voice.

Accent

My voice

Is the offspring

Of two countries colliding

What is there to be ashamed of

If English

And my mother tongue

Made love

My voice

Is her father's words

And mother's accent

What does it matter if

My mouth carries two worlds

Live fully

We have been dying

Since we got here

And forgot to enjoy the view

Growth is a process

You do not just wake up and become the butterfly

Praising and admiring oneself

affirmation

you are good enough

you are worthy

you are strong

you are beautiful

it’s not your fault

good things are coming

you are so important

you can’t give up now

you just need to let him go

you have to stop beating yourself up

forgive yourself for staying longer

than you should have

you can’t blame yourself

yes, this is a sign

yes, I’m talking to you

the self-hate

because that’s what it usually is

and that’s how it’ll always be

the way they treat you

represents their own truth

and mistreating others

is symbolic of self hatred

with that being said

I forgive you

for not loving yourself

enough to appreciate me

Used to it

you’re so used to being hurt

that you don’t know how to

allow real love in

you’re so used to the heartache

that your heart anticipates being broken

you‘re so damn used to the lies

that even the truth appears to be unbelievable

core beliefs

the belief that you

are not good enough

will force you

to entertain things

that are not worthy

of your time

the belief that you

are not good enough

will force you

to remain in an environment

that will destroy your ability

to thrive in any relationship

you attempt to create

the belief that you

are not good enough

will force you into situations

that will cause you

to compromise your standards

the belief that you

are not good enough

will keep you from

receiving the type of love

you deserve

Self harm

The way you speak of yourself

The way you degrade yourself

Into smallness

Is abuse

your reflection

I think she looked

into the mirror

and saw someone

worthy of the love she wasted on others

good mourning

wake up

hurting

uncertainty

stressed depressed guarded unhappy

unable to find peace unable to find joy

unable to find yourself

or your reflection

in the mirror

wake up

feeling hurt

you’re uncertain

there’s stress within you

depression now lives

in your soul

your guard is up

as you naturally feel this need

to protect yourself from something

or someone, them

you’ve lost your smile

your peace of mind compromised

and the joy of what you knew

has left you

you’ve been losing yourself

you can barely recognise

your own eyes as you stare

into the mirror

that’s not love

you’re not in love

and they don’t love you

remember this

growing pains

I spent my early 20s

searching for love

without knowing what

i was actually in search of

Feeling things unexplainable

but never substantial

an emotion that seemed to escape me

whenever I thought my grip

was tight enough to keep it

but I didn’t

I could never really love

because as it turns out

I didn’t even know

how to love myself

self-replenishing

don’t forget about your magic,

sweetheart

don‘t forget about the many battles

you’ve survived

the many obstacles you’ve broken through

don’t forget about your ability

To see beyond your obstructed view

right now the only one who can provide

what you deserve

is you…

as the sun rises.

but haven’t you noticed

you’re more like the sunrise

not everyone will see value

in your presence

not everyone will wake up

early enough to appreciate

the sight of you

and that’s okay

your light

is not for everyone

heightened flames

there’s fire within her

don‘t try and put it out

just add to it…

Journey toward self

I later learned

To appreciate the absence

of those who failed to

cherish my presence

alone, through self discovery

I learned to love myself

even the parts of my soul

that were often overlooked

and taken for granted

Sometimes, the brave

sometimes, the bravest thing to do

is to finally give up on those

who continue to quit on you

I notice everything i do not have

And decide it is beautiful

I am having a difficult time right now

Comparing myself to other people

I am stretching myself thin trying to be them

Making fun of my face like my father

Calling it ugly

Starving out this premature double chin before it

Melts into my shoulders like candle wax

Fixing the bags under my eyes that carry the rape

Bookmarking surgical procedures for my nose

There is so much that needs tending to

Can you point me in the right direction

I want to take this body off

Which way black to the womb